Where, Lord, where?

Today was just another Tuesday. Another day of tantrums, pushing, screaming, poop, snot, coughing, and more. When did this become my new normal? When did I switch into survival mode just to make it through the day or even the week? You'd think that I was a mom with kids going through a crazy phase making me want to pull my hair out and hire a nanny. Could I hire a nanny to come take my place for a while at the child care? Probably not, but I've thought about it.

Work has been making me question my happiness lately. Am I happy? What in my life currently makes me happy? And how can I get more of that? I believe that happiness is an active choice and if we don't do something about being happy we will always be miserable. SO what am I doing to make myself {and others in my life} happy?

First things first, ask Jesus. True happiness will come from HIM. Lord, grant me the wisdom to make choices in my life that glorify you and also bring happiness to my heart.

What's the next step? That one question pretty much sums up my life right now. If you were someone who keeps asking me about my future I would tell you I'm planning on going to grad school next year to get my teaching credential in California. Is that what I want to do? I'm not entirely sure. Will that make happy? Not sure about that either. BUT at this point in my life its the most logical next step to take.

Earlier today I was reading an article called "Single and not waiting" and the author says,

There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I've got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

Hmmm. Is that how I see my life? Honestly, it's hard not to when everyone you know is getting married or having a baby. And I'm so happy for them, I truly am. But I feel like my life is missing something. Am I unhappy because I am single? {Because that is not a good reason for it if you ask me...} But I don't know how to embrace this singleness and be the best I can be in it. It's hard. I suppose Paul never said it would be easy to be single. There are tons of manuals for how to be a good wife, husband, mom, dad, etc. but the "single" books aren't exactly flying off the shelves at me.

Post-college pre-marriage life seems like a waiting room but it's not. It's life. Trying to follow God's calling but it seems there is water in my ears, making it difficult to understand. I'm reminded of Isaiah 6:8 so often lately... "Here I am, Lord! Send me!" It's just a matter of figuring out the direction I'm being sent. Where, Lord, where?