Where, Lord, where?

Today was just another Tuesday. Another day of tantrums, pushing, screaming, poop, snot, coughing, and more. When did this become my new normal? When did I switch into survival mode just to make it through the day or even the week? You'd think that I was a mom with kids going through a crazy phase making me want to pull my hair out and hire a nanny. Could I hire a nanny to come take my place for a while at the child care? Probably not, but I've thought about it.

Work has been making me question my happiness lately. Am I happy? What in my life currently makes me happy? And how can I get more of that? I believe that happiness is an active choice and if we don't do something about being happy we will always be miserable. SO what am I doing to make myself {and others in my life} happy?

First things first, ask Jesus. True happiness will come from HIM. Lord, grant me the wisdom to make choices in my life that glorify you and also bring happiness to my heart.

What's the next step? That one question pretty much sums up my life right now. If you were someone who keeps asking me about my future I would tell you I'm planning on going to grad school next year to get my teaching credential in California. Is that what I want to do? I'm not entirely sure. Will that make happy? Not sure about that either. BUT at this point in my life its the most logical next step to take.

Earlier today I was reading an article called "Single and not waiting" and the author says,

There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I've got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

Hmmm. Is that how I see my life? Honestly, it's hard not to when everyone you know is getting married or having a baby. And I'm so happy for them, I truly am. But I feel like my life is missing something. Am I unhappy because I am single? {Because that is not a good reason for it if you ask me...} But I don't know how to embrace this singleness and be the best I can be in it. It's hard. I suppose Paul never said it would be easy to be single. There are tons of manuals for how to be a good wife, husband, mom, dad, etc. but the "single" books aren't exactly flying off the shelves at me.

Post-college pre-marriage life seems like a waiting room but it's not. It's life. Trying to follow God's calling but it seems there is water in my ears, making it difficult to understand. I'm reminded of Isaiah 6:8 so often lately... "Here I am, Lord! Send me!" It's just a matter of figuring out the direction I'm being sent. Where, Lord, where?

Careful what you wish for...

The last month or so I have been very ready for fall weather to arrive. I was ready to say goodbye to my shorts and flip flops to greet my boots and scarves with open arms. Last week people were still in capris, maybe wearing sandals, holding on to that last bit of summer-ish weather. And bam! I'm not sure what happened, but WINTER arrived this weekend. We skipped right over fall and went straight to COLD. Its been around 50 degrees, which is not crazy cold, but when it was 80 very recently that is a big change. I suppose I got what I wanted because I'm able to wear boots and a sweater, but it seemed like an awfully drastic change.

Isn't that how life is though? You look forward to something for a week, a month, maybe even a year, and then all of a sudden it's there. And you're left wondering wait, what just happened? Wasn't it just a week ago that I was doing this or that?

Today the new SPU students are moving into the residence halls across the street and I feel old being so far removed from that stage in life. It was 6 years ago that I moved into Emerson Hall and started my journey at Seattle Pacific. Now I'm an "adult," paying rent and going to work every day. (I put quotes around the word adult because I still don't quite feel like one...I'm waiting for the moment where I don't feel like I'm playing pretend being a grown up. Although a 4th grader told me I was too old to say "dude" last night and guessed that I was 30....)

Now my question is, what's next? What am I wishing for? What change is going to sneak up on me like this cold weather? What's my next step?

I'm so thankful for the different seasons of life, but they also terrify me. Unlike the weather changing or holidays arriving, I can't always prepare myself as well as I'd like to for those big life stages. Thankfully God is with me no matter where I go or what I do, and I should always lean on him in those circumstances. But I'm still learning how to do that. How can I not think about, worry, stress over, or just be scared of what the next step is?

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

Thankful for the seeds.

Ch-ch-ch-changes are happening and I am choosing to be thankful. I am not the first person to admit to liking change or even welcoming it without a fight, but I am learning {finally} that change is a part of life and I can't do much to stop it. The first change is that summer is coming to a close. Boo. However, that means there are lots of wonderful things about fall coming....pumpkin spice lattes, scarves, boots, beautiful leaves, scented candles, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and eventually Christmas! Many stores already have their Christmas things out for sale, and while I think it is a little early, it does make me excited for my favorite time of year.

Changes are happening at work. We've just graduated 13 (mostly) potty-trained kiddos to the next classroom and are getting 9 (not potty-trained) new ones on Wednesday. I am preparing myself for the work that is ahead, but I'm excited for a fresh start and new kiddos who are excited to learn more independence in my classroom.

Changes are happening at church (which is also sort of my work). We're starting a new year- kids in new classes, new schedules, new teachers, Wednesday night church, etc. I've actually been missing a lot of these things lately which means I know I'm ready to jump back in with both feet.

Changes are happening with my friends. Getting married, getting engaged, having babies. I am so happy to be a part of all these experiences with them and look forward to more of it happening in the next year.

Changes are happening with MY life. I've thought and prayed a lot about what my next step in life is. Where do I go? What do I do? I've told God, give me a direction and I will follow. This song by Sidewalk Prophets describes my life perfectly right now. Even if it scares me or worries me, I will trust that God is leading me. I'm preparing myself to leave Seattle next summer and move back to California and attend grad school. School? Work? Friends? Church? All of those things are up in the air, but I feel okay about it.

A few days ago I was reading Ann Voskamp and she was writing about how God has provided every plant and tree and fruit we would need, but it doesn't start out that way. Things start out small, like a seed. She prays, Lord, what would happen today if I saw all the not-enough, too-little in my life to be but a seed? All the hardly-things could be holy-things -- small somethings You are growing into more glory for You. Cause me to believe again: All feasts begin as a seed.

Wow. What if I saw my life this way also. All the small things that I think don't matter. All the frustrating moments where things don't go my way. My kiddos at work are these seeds. My plans for the future are still seeds. My life is merely but a seed at this point, growing into the feast that God has planned for me from the start. Today, I am thankful for the seeds.

This season of life.

Let's start this post by saying my apartment smells gloriously like peanut butter because I just made a double batch of these peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies! Oh.my.word. SO good!

Life has been busy and calm all at the same time lately. And since a picture says a thousand words, I'm going to let my pictures speak for me.

My best friend got married!! Everything was absolutely beautiful- the bride, the ceremony, the marriage, and of course the bridal party ;)

So thankful for my daddy. 

The roomie graduated from SPU (oh, and she's TEACHING there in the fall) Ridiculously proud of this girl!

Mom and Dad came for a visit in June. It was great to spend time with them in Seattle.

I've been loving the Magnolia Farmer's Market just a mile or so away from my house. A few weeks ago I bought fresh raspberries and made yummy jam. Farmers market fresh homemade jam...makes me feel like the pioneer woman. haha

4th of July weekend was full of food, family, and friends in California. I'm SO glad I got to see these two wonderful women while I was home!

Flying back to Seattle from the Long Beach Airport. Seriously, my favorite airport ever.

Celebrating a new baby!! Loved showering this family and sharing this journey with them as they anticipate the arrival of their little girl. 

Another celebration! But this time for a birthday...half a century right, Meg? ;)

Less then a dozen pictures and so many important people in my life! Seriously, these are the people who have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. They have laughed with me, cried with me, and been there for me no matter what is happening in my life. I am truly blessed by the people I call friends and love being able to celebrate their weddings, babies, birthdays, and more.

It seems like everyone I know is getting engaged, married, having a baby, buying a house, or doing something else exciting and life changing. What am I doing you ask? Welp, I'm still trying to figure that out. I've been researching grad schools in California to get a Master's in Teaching and a teaching credential...So that's the current plan for next year-ish. I'm really excited about the idea of moving back to California and becoming a teacher there, but it also terrifies me. Seattle has finally started to feel like home and where I thought I would be for a while... and now I'm looking at changing ALL of that.

But isn't that what life is about? Get comfortable and bam! life changes! Through all these changes and unknowns I know that one thing stays the same. God is faithful. He will not leave me or forsake me. I know that his plans are bigger and better than anything I could come up with by myself. I am thankful for this confidence because I couldn't imagine going through life without knowing that there is a God who has taken care of everything for me. No matter where the future takes me, I am thankful for each season that the Lord provides.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Even The Winter

Whenever I am feeling down or find all kinds of other music annoying, I can always listen to Audrey Assad and connect with the words that she is singing. I love her songs "Known" and "Sparrow" but recently I have been listening to "Even the Winter" a lot. Part of that has to do with the fact that I've gotten to that time of year where I'm ready for spring, but it's still going to be winter for a while longer.

Another part of it is that I feel like I am currently in a winter phase of life. There are a lot of good things about winter, but you don't want the winter to last forever. For example, things like snow and darkness are great because then you can put a fire in the fireplace and watch a movie snuggled up on the couch. But what about flip flops and going to the beach? I am in that strange in between phase of life- I've graduated from college, but am not sure exactly where the Lord will lead me in my life. Many of my friends have gotten married and/or moved away. My days are now filled with 3 year olds and my schedule is very much the same each day. No more classes, meetings, clubs, being surrounded by friends 24-7. 

There is an endless stream of questions running through my head at all times: Will I stay in Seattle forever? Will I move lots of times? How long will I keep my current job for? Should I be looking for a different job? Which church community is the best for me to be a part of? When will I get married? How old will I be when I become a mom? When is the next time I will be in California? On and on and on... Just a different phase of life, full of unknowns. This phase will not last forever, but, just like the winter, it seems at times like the spring will never come.

Even The Winter
What if we find ourselves beneath the snow?
Our warmest words all frozen in our throats?
And all we feel is left out in the cold?
You and I?

What if the days grow short and lose their light?
What if the coals burn black and the embers die?
And we can't find each other in the night?
You and I?

Well, even the winter won't last forever
We'll see the morning and we'll feel the sun
We'll wake up in April, ready and able
Holding the seeds and soil of our love, of our love

What if the ice we tread is just too thin?
What if we can't escape the squall we're in?
What if our hearts of stone are permanent?
You and I
Even the winter won't last forever
We'll see the morning, we'll feel the sun
We'll wake up in April, ready and able
Sowing the seeds in the soil of our love, of our love

What if the spring comes soon and we're surprised?
What if the seasons help us realize, some things are only proven over time?
You know

Even the winter won't last forever
We'll see the morning, we'll feel the sun
We'll wake up in April, ready and able
Sowing the seeds in the soil
Of our love

Even the darkness cannot disarm us
We'll break up the earth, because we know
that it's worth it
Sowing the seeds in the soil of our love.