Where, Lord, where?

Today was just another Tuesday. Another day of tantrums, pushing, screaming, poop, snot, coughing, and more. When did this become my new normal? When did I switch into survival mode just to make it through the day or even the week? You'd think that I was a mom with kids going through a crazy phase making me want to pull my hair out and hire a nanny. Could I hire a nanny to come take my place for a while at the child care? Probably not, but I've thought about it.

Work has been making me question my happiness lately. Am I happy? What in my life currently makes me happy? And how can I get more of that? I believe that happiness is an active choice and if we don't do something about being happy we will always be miserable. SO what am I doing to make myself {and others in my life} happy?

First things first, ask Jesus. True happiness will come from HIM. Lord, grant me the wisdom to make choices in my life that glorify you and also bring happiness to my heart.

What's the next step? That one question pretty much sums up my life right now. If you were someone who keeps asking me about my future I would tell you I'm planning on going to grad school next year to get my teaching credential in California. Is that what I want to do? I'm not entirely sure. Will that make happy? Not sure about that either. BUT at this point in my life its the most logical next step to take.

Earlier today I was reading an article called "Single and not waiting" and the author says,

There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I've got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

Hmmm. Is that how I see my life? Honestly, it's hard not to when everyone you know is getting married or having a baby. And I'm so happy for them, I truly am. But I feel like my life is missing something. Am I unhappy because I am single? {Because that is not a good reason for it if you ask me...} But I don't know how to embrace this singleness and be the best I can be in it. It's hard. I suppose Paul never said it would be easy to be single. There are tons of manuals for how to be a good wife, husband, mom, dad, etc. but the "single" books aren't exactly flying off the shelves at me.

Post-college pre-marriage life seems like a waiting room but it's not. It's life. Trying to follow God's calling but it seems there is water in my ears, making it difficult to understand. I'm reminded of Isaiah 6:8 so often lately... "Here I am, Lord! Send me!" It's just a matter of figuring out the direction I'm being sent. Where, Lord, where?

Advice to College Kids

Get Involved

I may not have always been great at this, in fact most of the time I was opposite of involved. After being super involved in high school I was ready for a break and I feel like there were things I missed out on in college. So go do stuff with people!

It's okay to say NO
While it's great to be involved, don't feel like you HAVE to do everything. It's okay to say no sometimes and watch a movie in your dorm. If you start saying yes to everything you'll be exhausted and nothing will get done. So pick and choose what you want to be a part of. Also, if any part of you thinks that something is dangerous or illegal, DON'T DO IT, because it probably is and at some point in your life you'll probably regret it.

Go to a friend's house for a holiday
Being from a different state I wasn't always able to go home for Thanksgiving or Easter. I think visiting another family for a holiday can teach you a lot about different family dynamics, about who you are, and what you appreciate about your own family and traditions.

Call your parents (and grandparents)
While you may be just fine, your mom might not. Or maybe you're a wreck and you don't want your dad to worry about you. Well guess what, your parents are definitely worried about you and many don't want to "intrude" on your new found independence at college. Call them anyway, even if its just for 5 minutes on your way to class. They'll appreciate it, and odds are, you'll feel better too. (Same goes for grandparents. They're not going to be around forever and once they're gone you'll regret not spending more time getting to know them.)

Take a random class
Learn about something new! My sophomore year I took one quarter of Greek. Do I remember any of it? Not really. Do I really need to know Ancient Greek? Probably not at all. But it was a good experience and now I can say, "Yeah one time I took Greek in college..."

And most importantly...

Be a good friend
This will look differently for everyone, but college is a great time to truly get to know people. And its the only time in your life when you will be living with your best friends. Be there for them. Love them. Pray for them. And most importantly be good to them, just like you would want them to be to you.

2008- my first roomie and one of
my best friends

Can I also just say I'm very thankful that we all grow up and don't stay 18 forever? Who thought those double braids were a good idea? yikes.

Happy back to school, college kids!

Careful what you wish for...

The last month or so I have been very ready for fall weather to arrive. I was ready to say goodbye to my shorts and flip flops to greet my boots and scarves with open arms. Last week people were still in capris, maybe wearing sandals, holding on to that last bit of summer-ish weather. And bam! I'm not sure what happened, but WINTER arrived this weekend. We skipped right over fall and went straight to COLD. Its been around 50 degrees, which is not crazy cold, but when it was 80 very recently that is a big change. I suppose I got what I wanted because I'm able to wear boots and a sweater, but it seemed like an awfully drastic change.

Isn't that how life is though? You look forward to something for a week, a month, maybe even a year, and then all of a sudden it's there. And you're left wondering wait, what just happened? Wasn't it just a week ago that I was doing this or that?

Today the new SPU students are moving into the residence halls across the street and I feel old being so far removed from that stage in life. It was 6 years ago that I moved into Emerson Hall and started my journey at Seattle Pacific. Now I'm an "adult," paying rent and going to work every day. (I put quotes around the word adult because I still don't quite feel like one...I'm waiting for the moment where I don't feel like I'm playing pretend being a grown up. Although a 4th grader told me I was too old to say "dude" last night and guessed that I was 30....)

Now my question is, what's next? What am I wishing for? What change is going to sneak up on me like this cold weather? What's my next step?

I'm so thankful for the different seasons of life, but they also terrify me. Unlike the weather changing or holidays arriving, I can't always prepare myself as well as I'd like to for those big life stages. Thankfully God is with me no matter where I go or what I do, and I should always lean on him in those circumstances. But I'm still learning how to do that. How can I not think about, worry, stress over, or just be scared of what the next step is?

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

Thankful for the seeds.

Ch-ch-ch-changes are happening and I am choosing to be thankful. I am not the first person to admit to liking change or even welcoming it without a fight, but I am learning {finally} that change is a part of life and I can't do much to stop it. The first change is that summer is coming to a close. Boo. However, that means there are lots of wonderful things about fall coming....pumpkin spice lattes, scarves, boots, beautiful leaves, scented candles, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and eventually Christmas! Many stores already have their Christmas things out for sale, and while I think it is a little early, it does make me excited for my favorite time of year.

Changes are happening at work. We've just graduated 13 (mostly) potty-trained kiddos to the next classroom and are getting 9 (not potty-trained) new ones on Wednesday. I am preparing myself for the work that is ahead, but I'm excited for a fresh start and new kiddos who are excited to learn more independence in my classroom.

Changes are happening at church (which is also sort of my work). We're starting a new year- kids in new classes, new schedules, new teachers, Wednesday night church, etc. I've actually been missing a lot of these things lately which means I know I'm ready to jump back in with both feet.

Changes are happening with my friends. Getting married, getting engaged, having babies. I am so happy to be a part of all these experiences with them and look forward to more of it happening in the next year.

Changes are happening with MY life. I've thought and prayed a lot about what my next step in life is. Where do I go? What do I do? I've told God, give me a direction and I will follow. This song by Sidewalk Prophets describes my life perfectly right now. Even if it scares me or worries me, I will trust that God is leading me. I'm preparing myself to leave Seattle next summer and move back to California and attend grad school. School? Work? Friends? Church? All of those things are up in the air, but I feel okay about it.

A few days ago I was reading Ann Voskamp and she was writing about how God has provided every plant and tree and fruit we would need, but it doesn't start out that way. Things start out small, like a seed. She prays, Lord, what would happen today if I saw all the not-enough, too-little in my life to be but a seed? All the hardly-things could be holy-things -- small somethings You are growing into more glory for You. Cause me to believe again: All feasts begin as a seed.

Wow. What if I saw my life this way also. All the small things that I think don't matter. All the frustrating moments where things don't go my way. My kiddos at work are these seeds. My plans for the future are still seeds. My life is merely but a seed at this point, growing into the feast that God has planned for me from the start. Today, I am thankful for the seeds.

3 years later.

Some moments from that day I remember like it was yesterday. Some are a total blur.

It was Friday.

I remember the phone ringing early, before 7, and rolling over thinking, "Who in the world is calling so early?"

Mom answered the phone in the hallway. Dad was in the shower. I was half-asleep, half-awake trying to figure out who was on the phone.

Mom sounded serious and worried when she went to get dad. I rolled out of bed to see what was going on.

I don't really remember what was said or how the rest happened. But it was Aunt Anne on the phone calling to say that Grandpa had passed away early that morning.

That day is a mix of blurs and things clear as day. I remember researching flights to NY for the next day, doing laundry, helping get suitcases ready, sending Mom to Nordstrom to buy a suit, etc. I remember Dad getting home from work and suggesting we go get Chipotle for dinner and maybe stop by Borders to get some books/magazines for the flight. I got so upset. I remember crying and saying that no one cared about what was really going on. Why weren't we talking about it? Why is no one packing? Nothing is done to leave tomorrow and we're going to go out!?

Everyone handles grief differently. Clearly I am someone who likes to get things done. Make a checklist and cross things off. Dad wanted us to clear our heads a little, get out of the house, and think about something else for a little bit. Some people need to talk about grief, some people never want to talk about it.

Three years later, we still miss them, but it's different than it was on that day. Every once in a while I think about how my future husband won't know or understand how wonderful these people were. My children won't know what it's like to be held by their great-grandma or think of their great-grandpa whenever they smell old spice or know the taste of cheese toast made in a toaster oven in Old Tappan.

This September my family will be participating in the Walk to End Alzheimer's in memory of these sweet people. Please consider walking or donating to support families living with Alzheimer's.

Ben Binford September 25, 1923 - August 13, 2010
Elsa Binford August 18, 1924 - September 22, 2010

Happiness.

Define happiness.

No really, try and define happiness in a way that would be completely accurate for everyone. I suppose it would have something to do with having pleasant feelings toward something or someone. Or maybe it is a positive experience instead of something more negative. But what is it that makes us happy? Are we more or less prone to be happy based on are circumstances? Are certain people inherently more happy than others?

Samuel Johnson says, "The business of the wise man is to be happy." Does this mean wise people are happy? Or are happy people wise?

Recently I have been reading the book The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, thus, my thoughts about happiness. The author conducts all this research about what makes people happy and how she can use that information to make herself happier in a 12-month experiment. (She admits that she's not really unhappy, it's more that she wants to truly appreciate life by being happy.) Each month she sets a goal for things that she wants to do- boost energy, lighten up, make time for friends, etc. and then keeps track of what she actually does and how it affects her happiness. I'm about halfway through this book and I'd recommend it!

All that to say, what makes me happy? Why am I a happy person? God has blessed me with a wonderful family, a job I love, great friends, and so much more. Would I be so happy if my situation was different? Am I more naturally inclined to look at the glass half-full or did I learn how to do that? Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my moments of sadness but generally I'd say I'm a rather happy person.

So what makes me happier or unhappier than the next person?
My head hurts from trying to figure happiness out.