missing out

I'd like to host a dinner party about every other day. I think life is delicious, and I want to gobble it up in big bites, eating, drinking, reading, talking, traveling -- everything. I want everything. I'm hungry for everything, all the time. Bookstores make me ravenous, as do city streets and airports and glossy fashion magazines. So much to see, taste, touch, try, do. I can feel myself come to life, eyes open, taking everything in, fingers running over textures, ears pricked for sounds. I feel like life is so genuinely interesting, that there's so much to be tasted and tried and discovered.

We all have a kooky set of fears and loves that makes us do what we do. For me, I love experiences, and it makes me scared to think of missing out on anything at all. So that fear drives me and takes over my life, pushing me to do more, buy more, eat more, try more. But I don't want to be ruled by fears. There will be more life to experience tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day. And I don't have to be running after it all the time. Breathe, rest, practice the idea of enough. Practice the idea of living well, and a little more slowly. Practice believing that it will all still be here, waiting to be devoured freshly, after a good night's sleep.

Excerpt from Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist

Thankful for the seeds.

Ch-ch-ch-changes are happening and I am choosing to be thankful. I am not the first person to admit to liking change or even welcoming it without a fight, but I am learning {finally} that change is a part of life and I can't do much to stop it. The first change is that summer is coming to a close. Boo. However, that means there are lots of wonderful things about fall coming....pumpkin spice lattes, scarves, boots, beautiful leaves, scented candles, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and eventually Christmas! Many stores already have their Christmas things out for sale, and while I think it is a little early, it does make me excited for my favorite time of year.

Changes are happening at work. We've just graduated 13 (mostly) potty-trained kiddos to the next classroom and are getting 9 (not potty-trained) new ones on Wednesday. I am preparing myself for the work that is ahead, but I'm excited for a fresh start and new kiddos who are excited to learn more independence in my classroom.

Changes are happening at church (which is also sort of my work). We're starting a new year- kids in new classes, new schedules, new teachers, Wednesday night church, etc. I've actually been missing a lot of these things lately which means I know I'm ready to jump back in with both feet.

Changes are happening with my friends. Getting married, getting engaged, having babies. I am so happy to be a part of all these experiences with them and look forward to more of it happening in the next year.

Changes are happening with MY life. I've thought and prayed a lot about what my next step in life is. Where do I go? What do I do? I've told God, give me a direction and I will follow. This song by Sidewalk Prophets describes my life perfectly right now. Even if it scares me or worries me, I will trust that God is leading me. I'm preparing myself to leave Seattle next summer and move back to California and attend grad school. School? Work? Friends? Church? All of those things are up in the air, but I feel okay about it.

A few days ago I was reading Ann Voskamp and she was writing about how God has provided every plant and tree and fruit we would need, but it doesn't start out that way. Things start out small, like a seed. She prays, Lord, what would happen today if I saw all the not-enough, too-little in my life to be but a seed? All the hardly-things could be holy-things -- small somethings You are growing into more glory for You. Cause me to believe again: All feasts begin as a seed.

Wow. What if I saw my life this way also. All the small things that I think don't matter. All the frustrating moments where things don't go my way. My kiddos at work are these seeds. My plans for the future are still seeds. My life is merely but a seed at this point, growing into the feast that God has planned for me from the start. Today, I am thankful for the seeds.

3 years later.

Some moments from that day I remember like it was yesterday. Some are a total blur.

It was Friday.

I remember the phone ringing early, before 7, and rolling over thinking, "Who in the world is calling so early?"

Mom answered the phone in the hallway. Dad was in the shower. I was half-asleep, half-awake trying to figure out who was on the phone.

Mom sounded serious and worried when she went to get dad. I rolled out of bed to see what was going on.

I don't really remember what was said or how the rest happened. But it was Aunt Anne on the phone calling to say that Grandpa had passed away early that morning.

That day is a mix of blurs and things clear as day. I remember researching flights to NY for the next day, doing laundry, helping get suitcases ready, sending Mom to Nordstrom to buy a suit, etc. I remember Dad getting home from work and suggesting we go get Chipotle for dinner and maybe stop by Borders to get some books/magazines for the flight. I got so upset. I remember crying and saying that no one cared about what was really going on. Why weren't we talking about it? Why is no one packing? Nothing is done to leave tomorrow and we're going to go out!?

Everyone handles grief differently. Clearly I am someone who likes to get things done. Make a checklist and cross things off. Dad wanted us to clear our heads a little, get out of the house, and think about something else for a little bit. Some people need to talk about grief, some people never want to talk about it.

Three years later, we still miss them, but it's different than it was on that day. Every once in a while I think about how my future husband won't know or understand how wonderful these people were. My children won't know what it's like to be held by their great-grandma or think of their great-grandpa whenever they smell old spice or know the taste of cheese toast made in a toaster oven in Old Tappan.

This September my family will be participating in the Walk to End Alzheimer's in memory of these sweet people. Please consider walking or donating to support families living with Alzheimer's.

Ben Binford September 25, 1923 - August 13, 2010
Elsa Binford August 18, 1924 - September 22, 2010

Today.

Today I'm thankful for:
~ college friends visiting
~ words of wisdom
~ favorite hymns
~ baking yummy desserts
~ my bro & friends
~ new books

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

selfless happiness

"The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It's more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit. I know a fortunate few people -- such as my father -- who seem naturally sunny-tempered. Now I wonder how effortless this really is." [The Happiness Project p.217]

Ultimately, from where does someone's happiness stem?

 

"For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy." Psalm 92:4

Happiness.

Define happiness.

No really, try and define happiness in a way that would be completely accurate for everyone. I suppose it would have something to do with having pleasant feelings toward something or someone. Or maybe it is a positive experience instead of something more negative. But what is it that makes us happy? Are we more or less prone to be happy based on are circumstances? Are certain people inherently more happy than others?

Samuel Johnson says, "The business of the wise man is to be happy." Does this mean wise people are happy? Or are happy people wise?

Recently I have been reading the book The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, thus, my thoughts about happiness. The author conducts all this research about what makes people happy and how she can use that information to make herself happier in a 12-month experiment. (She admits that she's not really unhappy, it's more that she wants to truly appreciate life by being happy.) Each month she sets a goal for things that she wants to do- boost energy, lighten up, make time for friends, etc. and then keeps track of what she actually does and how it affects her happiness. I'm about halfway through this book and I'd recommend it!

All that to say, what makes me happy? Why am I a happy person? God has blessed me with a wonderful family, a job I love, great friends, and so much more. Would I be so happy if my situation was different? Am I more naturally inclined to look at the glass half-full or did I learn how to do that? Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my moments of sadness but generally I'd say I'm a rather happy person.

So what makes me happier or unhappier than the next person?
My head hurts from trying to figure happiness out.

Undeserving Love

After reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, a few years ago I have been trying to be much more intentional about finding things in my life that I am thankful for. To tell you the truth, its hard not to find things that I am thankful for! Once you start looking you realize that there is more to be thankful for than not and that life is really much better than we ever would deserve. Thank you Jesus for your blessings even when we fall short of deserving them.

At church today we watch an episode from this series called What's in the Bible? and it was all about King David and King Solomon (talk about some guys who really didn't deserve God's grace!). These are always tricky stories to teach to elementary school kids...What do you mean he had more than one wife? Why did he kill that man? Isn't David a man after God's own heart? Does that mean it's okay for us to do that stuff too? (Okay so maybe a kindergartner wouldn't ask some of those questions, but a 3rd or 4th grader? Absolutely.) I am always so impressed with this series because they don't gloss over anything and are still able to tell it in a kid appropriate way. For example, this episode talks about David committing adultery, which means he stole someone else's wife. And then to cover up that adultery he had someone killed, or committed murder. BUT they also explained that he repented, asked God to forgive him, and wanted a clean heart (Psalm 51). While God still loves us when we sin or make bad choices, that doesn't mean there won't be consequences. If we lie to our boss, God will still love us but we might lose our job. If we hurt a friend, God will still love us, but that person might not trust us to be their friend...etc.

What a great way to describe these stories in a kid-friendly way. Just because God will always forgive us and always love us doesn't mean it is okay to hurt someone or do something God told us not to. We must also suffer the consequences of our actions. In the end we talked about which king we would want to be like, David who repented? or Solomon who turned away from God?

Neither of these kings deserved God's love or mercy, just like we don't deserve it either. I can't even wrap my mind around these kinds of things. Why does God keep loving us crazy people who continually do stupid things? I am thankful for these examples of people who lived before us. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to repent when I make poor choices. And I am thankful that God is always there and is always faithful. Most of the time I'm not even able to describe what it means that God is faithful, but there is a peace about it, that I know everything will be okay. I know that I am not responsible for planning my future alone. I have the ultimate designer and creator guiding my future.

"You are my God, and I will give thanks to you; you are my God; I will extol you. Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!" Psalm 118:28-29